A Letter to Cas
by Elizabeth1985
Summary: Dean writes a letter to Cas when he thinks the angel is dead and drunkenly confesses his feelings. Destiel-ish. Contains swearing/language. I do not own Supernatural. I do not own the cover image. I paired them in the settings because it seemed right but there is no ACTUAL pairing in this fic/letter.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: I just finished watching the beginning of Season 7 which is where I situate this letter.****Dean admits feelings for Cas. **

* * *

_Cas, _

_ This letter was never supposed to happen. Well, a lot of things were never supposed to happen. You weren't supposed to unleash purgatory into yourself and you definitely were not supposed to let those damned big-mouthed fuckers remain inside you._

_ Seeing your jacket wash up against the edge of the lake like that hurt more than I'd expected it to. I'd been furious with you for everything you'd done. You lied to me and betrayed me, and I just couldn't stand it. Seriously Cas? How could you have done something like that? Why didn't you let Sam and I help you? Why didn't you come to me in the beginning? I would have done anything to help you… I would have died for you. _

_ But now you're gone and I really didn't think it would hurt this much. All those times you would pop in and scare the shit out of me, or be standing only inches away, or the look on your face when you didn't get something, and shit, so many things that were just so __you__. I crave them now, you know? I think about those moments all the time. The memory of you, at least how I like to remember you, is haunting me. _

_ It's all these little things that made me think I've grown to like you a bit more than is probably normal for a straight guy. Maybe that's why this is so hard. All that … whatever the hell it was … that always seemed to be there between us is gone. And I hate it, Cas, I really do. I would literally kiss you if you landed your trench coat wearing ass beside me right now. _

_ Wow.. for a second there I really hoped it would happen. It didn't._

_ I have a half bottle of whisky staring at me and perhaps that's the reason for this stupid letter. I don't know where Angel's end up when they are gone. Maybe you can read this… who knows. Hell, I don't even know if I want you to read it._

_ So here it is… whiskey fuelled and because I fucking miss you – I love you. I may not have any idea exactly what kind of love it is… or was, but there it is. _

_ Why did you have to do something so stupid? _

_ Dean_

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**A/N Hope you enjoy... I had to get that out of my head. Please review if you like! Or don't like - I always want to improve.**


	2. Chapter 2: Crazy Cas Finds the Letter

**A/N: This is a follow up from A Letter to Cas, where Cas finds the letter, but in his crazy state, and in his own crazy way tries to figure out what to do. A lot lighter than I intended but I hope you enjoy it anyway. Someone prompted me to write what would happen when Cas found the letter and I'm sure they expected something different but I this was how I saw it happening, hope you all like it anyway :)**

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Dean upsets him, while at the same time makes him content. It is strange. He knows he has done something bad and tries to apologize. As he holds up the board game called 'Sorry', it appears to make Dean angrier. Castiel is confused and just wishes Dean would hug him.

Meg would hug him. He likes her.

After several attempts at making Dean happy, he appears to be unsuccessful. The commotion of the day has made him antsy and he longs for something… but he isn't sure what.

There is a restless confusion to his thoughts that he knows is not quite right, but he can't seem to fix it. Instead – he relishes in it.

He feels freer than he has in a long time.

He spends most of his time observing the world and all its wonderful creations.

Sometimes he helps people, sometimes he watches the people he feels drawn to. Mostly Dean, he realizes. Meg trails along his side for the most part, but sometimes he leaves her – usually when he wishes to see Dean.

He knows Dean is still upset, and so he hides himself as often as he can.

One night, after a long day spent in Chile sitting atop a mountain, he flies across the continents to find Dean sleeping soundly in one bed, Sam in the other. He watches them in awe. They are a comfort to him. He knows his mind is broken but he can't be bothered to care too much.

He moves around the room, the sound of the brothers' breathing calming him, a small amount of sanity returns and he suddenly feels more like himself than he has in some time.

He lowers himself into a seated position on the unoccupied side of Dean's bed, turning his head to look down at the hunter. The green eyes are hidden behind thin skin, but the movement suggests he is dreaming. Cas had tried entering the dreams a few weeks ago, but the images frightened him and he decided he never wanted to do that again. So many terrifying things.

Castiel shakes his head, trying to rid himself of the uncomfortable buzzing in his mind as he remembers. He can feel his brief moment of clarity slipping and looks around trying to focus on something else.

He looks down on his side of the bed and sees the open duffle, clothes spilling from the inside –messy and disorganized. A bright white catches his eye amidst the darkness of everything else in the bag and Castiel is intrigued enough to reach down and pluck out the folded piece of paper.

The page has been unfolded and folded several times and while he doesn't want to invade Dean's privacy he simply can't restrain his curiosity. When he unfolds the page and sees his own name at the top, his guilty feelings vanish realizing that this letter is in fact for him – and so he reads.

* * *

_"Cas, _

_This letter was never supposed to happen. Well, a lot of things were never supposed to happen. You weren't supposed to unleash purgatory into yourself and you definitely were not supposed to let those damned big-mouthed fuckers remain inside you._

_Seeing your jacket wash up against the edge of the lake like that hurt more than I'd expected it to. I'd been furious with you for everything you'd done. You lied to me and betrayed me, and I just couldn't stand it. Seriously Cas? How could you have done something like that? Why didn't you let Sam and I help you? Why didn't you come to me in the beginning? I would have done anything to help you… I would have died for you. _

_But now you're gone and I really didn't think it would hurt this much. All those times you would pop in and scare the shit out of me, or be standing only inches away, or the look on your face when you didn't get something, and shit, so many things that were just so __you__. I crave them now, you know? I think about those moments all the time. The memory of you, at least how I like to remember you, is haunting me. _

_It's all these little things that made me think I've grown to like you a bit more than is probably normal for a straight guy. Maybe that's why this is so hard. All that … whatever the hell it was … that always seemed to be there between us is gone. And I hate it, Cas, I really do. I would literally kiss you if you landed your trench coat wearing ass beside me right now. _

_Wow.. for a second there I really hoped it would happen. It didn't._

_I have a half bottle of whiskey staring at me and perhaps that's the reason for this stupid letter. I don't know where Angel's end up when they are gone. Maybe you can read this… who knows. Hell, I don't even know if I want you to read it._

_So here it is… whiskey-fueled and because I fucking miss you – I love you. I may not have any idea exactly what kind of love it is… or was, but there it is. _

_Why did you have to do something so stupid? _

_Dean"_

* * *

As Castiel finishes the letter, all he can focus on are the strange sensations the words that Dean wrote have stirred inside of him.

_Love?_

Dean loves him? His hands are shaking as he holds the paper. If he loves him, then why has he been so mean?

Whatever level of sanity that had been returning is now slipping away as the world tilts around him; the room warping at an angle.

_Dean wanted to kiss him? _Castiel becomes wondrous again and happy. He refolds the page and slips it into his pants pocket for safe keeping.

_Dean wants to kiss him? _

It is all his scattered brain can think of. But how would he do that? Maybe that's why Dean is mad at him? Maybe he is mad because Cas hasn't kissed him since he came back. How does he kiss somebody? He feels this is something he should already know... but the knowledge is frustratingly absent.

Castiel remembers humans discussing the birds and the bees and that they somehow related to sexual encounters, though he cannot for the life of him understand why that might be.

_Research_… _Yes_. That's what he must do.

He doesn't return to find Meg, instead he becomes immersed in nature. Castiel tries to understand something –anything – about the world and how he could fix things with Dean with birds and bees.

* * *

The bees.

In a wondrous awe, Castiel stares as they buzz around his naked form (which for the last several hours he has been fonder of than the thought of clothes). The creatures are curious and equally impressed by his presence as he is by theirs. Though he is an angel, these tiny insects are creators, workers, simple and beautiful.

He is envious of the simple lives of bees. Through his jumpy, twisted thoughts, he longs for the days when he was a quite similar to a worker bee. Long before he met Dean. And yet, Dean is the reason he is here.

_Oh, Dean Winchester. _The man to be saved! He remembers.

The image in his mind of the green-eyed man with a harshness to him that is always in such contrast to the brightness of his soul and Castiel cannot dispel the image of the man from his mind. The more his childlike mind focuses on the image he feels himself drawn to the man in reality compared to the poor construct he sees behind his eyes.

He recalls the words in the letter and looks around at the bees, but doesn't feel he has made any progress about what it all means.

His energy has begun to vibrate with whatever feelings the image of Dean has stirred up in him, and the bees seem drawn to it, covering his skin from head to toe. It tickles and feels kind of nice.

He smiles in appreciation at their attention and the only thing he can think of is to show Dean this amazing thing. He has wings, like a bird, and he is adorned with bees – maybe this will convey his feelings to Dean. He hopes.

He flutters his wings and in an instant finds himself sitting atop the hood of Dean's beloved Impala. He hears a knowable squeak, and turns to see Dean rounding the side of the car from where he must have been searching the trunk for whatever weapon of choice he was in need of.

"Dude! What the hell!?" Dean's voice is notably higher pitched than Cas has ever heard it before.

Castiel raises his arms in display of his show and tell.

"Aren't they wonderful?" He asks, looking up at Dean who simply stares back in shock, not uttering a single word.

"I brought them for you." He lays down on the hood, his back settling against the metal, and can't understand Dean's silence.

_Doesn't he get it?_

"Umm… thanks Cas. Great… Why are you naked?" Dean asks standing several feet away. The distance irritates him.

"It is preferable. Do you not agree?" Castiel asks him with shy sincerity. He was really hoping Dean would be happy. Is this not what he wanted?

"Uhh.. Ok I don't know how to answer that. Are you okay?" Dean's voice is softer now, concerned. Castiel smiles because concern means caring and love.

"I am wonderful." He replies, moving his fingers around as the bees flitter around them. He looks over at Dean, who has cautiously moved closer, and Castiel smiles feeling his wings flutter invisibly behind him.

Dean blinks as he feels the sudden wind on his face in what is otherwise a very stale day.

"Good… great. What's with the bees though, really?" He asks looking at Castiel strangely. His eyes wide and a little frightened. Castiel knows bees tend to sting humans, but these never would. They would never do anything the angel didn't want them to do. Not against his Dean.

"They are for you." He reiterates. "As am I." He adds.

Dean coughs in surprise, "Uhh… Okay." He says dubiously.

"Look Cas, it's great to see you. Really. But I'm kinda in the middle of something." Dean gestures behind him to half demolished farmhouse.

Castiel feels shunted. Dismissed. He hates it. Clearly he had it all wrong.

Dean doesn't care at all.

"Fine." Castiel replies and vanishes.

"What the hell was that?!" Dean shouts after the angel has disappeared, leaving not a single bee behind.

He has never been so damn confused in his life. The only thing his mind can focus on now is _not_ the vampire he is about to kill, _not_ the fact that he just saw Cas naked, _not_ the fact that bees terrify him, but the simple words: "They are for you... As am I."

Dean walks off towards the old farmhouse carrying his machete with a stupid cheek-to-cheek grin spread across his face.

_Perhaps 'Crazy Cas' isn't so bad after all,_ he thinks to himself, swinging the machete beside him.

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**A/N: Happy Wednesday :). Please review if you like or not. Constructive criticism and/or praise always welcome.**


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